Fighting Depression and Anxiety in the Lock-down: My Spoiled Life!

My Spoiled Life

I went to the pharmacy by myself and self-prescribed medications – Rivotril (Clonazepam) – 0.5mg. 5 tablets was what it took to cure my anxiety. But, but…. All the 5 tablets are still lying on my table, for I didn’t eat any…

Today is Friday, Good Friday – a day to remember the crucifixion of Christ. Today, I feel normal. I feel depression and anxiety many miles away from me. Expected a holiday, but there are old retired employees who need their regular dose of medicine. Patient load is less, thanks to the lockdown. Expected that outpatient cases would rather stay in their homes! Well, I expect a lot of things, and not everything happens my way. This is not a perfect world.

It was only yesterday, I was thinking of killing myself. Well, depressed and anxious people contemplate killing themselves often. That’s why when I had recovered from the massive depression, the first thing I did was to live for myself. When this “Horla” of Depression and Anxiety (D&A) and strikes me, I think of ending my life. I have no regrets if I die, for I have lived my life. But then, I remember I haven’t had any children yet! Maybe this desire holds me not to quit and stay on to explore life.

What precipitated the Horla of D&A?

 It was my bad life style!

For 3 weeks, instead of keeping myself fit, I let myself be swayed by the modern scourge of technology. Physical exercise is very helpful in alleviating D&A. On doing physical exercise endorphins are released from the pituitary gland in the brain. Endorphins blocks neurotransmitters causing pain, and enhances the production and release of dopamine which causes euphoria (pleasure)!

Well, I would promise myself each day, that from tomorrow I will surely do some exercise! That tomorrow never came! Instead I sat on in front of my laptop, and watched movies and Web series. I completed five seasons of “Prison Break”. I would watch almost the entire night, going to sleep at 4:00 am in the morning. After that I would catch up some sleep and when I woke up, would straightaway head to work. And in between whenever I got time, I would have a peek into my mobile making my presence in the virtual social world. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Quora, Medium, Reddit, you name it…. I was/am there! Well, we all may have some addiction, and you can say I am addicted to the internet. Well many of us are addicted to this necessary evil of science! And to add to the woes of my mind and body, when I returned back from work and was alone in my room, I indulged in obtaining sexual pleasure through the internet. Yes, I watched porn. We have Messenger Groups and WhatsApp groups that supplies unlimited erotic fantasies. And many of the groups provides entertainment in real time which enhances the eroticism. I read pornographic literature, I imagined, dreamt and talked porn. I would masturbate several times. Just like a combination of alcohol and driving is dangerous to the person (and society also), similarly the combination of masturbation and internet is deadly. It hollows the person from within, and he/she is prone to commit higher errors in work and judgement. He/she will suffer from low self-esteem and under confidence! The mind gradually succumbs to the addiction and productivity of the individual diminishes severely.

I don’t regret my doings for I experiment everything, but yes I do regret that I didn’t look well after my health. It were fine, if I watched porn and masturbated after an interval (say a month or fortnight). But here I was reading, watching and doing all the bad stuff every day.

During the last seven days, I was on leave and had to move to another hospital. But due to the lack of transportation and a public holiday in between, I stayed in my room. And my lifestyle became even weirder! I would end up the entire day in my room reading (pornographic and non-pornographic literature), watching web series, movies, and browsing the social media. I indulged in lewd conversations which pierced the unlimited darkness and depth of the human mind. My internet addiction grew exponentially, and I skipped eating my breakfast and lunch. My whole day I have spent in the virtual world, browsing and getting my real identity lost. The day would end, and I would be in my room doing nothing physical. I had become an exact replica of the ghost of my evil! For a whole week, I didn’t see the sun or any people other than the ones I saw on my way to supper. My day would begin waking up late morning, and taking the mobile phone with me into the toilet, and replying to all the conversation which cropped up during my sleep. My day would end with the mobile phone in my hand, indulged in dirty conversation and sex chats. What was I to expect of myself? To become a genius like Einstein?

You can understand how dangerous my life style had become! I fell, deeply and dangerously. And the D&A which had haunted me in the past knocked once again on the door of my life. I was a weak and had no virtue to defend myself. Evil breeds evil and disease! And it brings a lot more evil with it! I had smashed all my resistance (Will-Power) to the invasion of mental illness. And when the Horla of D&A did come, I was fully vulnerable to the prejudices of its manifestation!

Because of sitting on a chair and doing nothing physical, I accumulated a bit of fat around my abdomen. I had abdominal bloating too –felt my abdomen stretching. And it caused a minor stretch in the scar site of my appendix operation. For the first few days, I was able to tell my mind that it was just a stretch and I was normal and healthy. But after that, my mind refused to listen. My mind didn’t understand or listen to reason and logic. It construed all the dangerous diseases related to abdominal pain, that I had studied in my medical textbooks. I grew anxious of my symptoms. My mind just needed an excuse to break down!

And I broke down! I was anxious and had a feeling of impending doom. That moment when you don’t like anything in the world and just hope you are better dead than alive. Not even what you utmost desire, if you acquire, can give you any pleasure. At this stage only two things could mend my broken mind – medicine and/or time!

But then I decided to give a final try to save myself…that I had tried in my childhood… winning by treachery…tricking my mind...

(to be continued tomorrow)