Into the abyss of the mind

It was the second year of my MBBS in Patna Medical College. It is the golden period of MBBS life where we have exorbitantly high energy and can delve into any kind of experimentation. I had a deep fascination for the human brain and the mind. The mind is a subjective concept and transcending into the realms of the mind is like traversing through a dark maze. It takes time to understand the complexity of the maze, but getting out of it is a life-time process. Patna Medical College is close to the river Ganga, which I visited often to carry out my experimentation on the human mind. The mind was the subject, so was I. The water of river Ganga holds enormous energy, absorbing the sins of mankind. It was evening and I was readying myself to seek myself in the depths of my mind as I sat on the banks of river Ganga. I saw my reflection in the flowing water and focused my thoughts in the universality of human beings. As I sat glancing at myself in the water of the Ganga, seeing my reflection I felt the need to know my own fate. I felt the need to decide my fate. I closed my eyes and gradually I slipped into the unknown zone of my sub-conscious mind. When I returned to the real world, it was dark, but I could see a gleam of reflection on the surface with dark waters flowing underneath. The eyes looked real and they stared at me, telling me the time had come. That was when I knew I was no more my old-self. The reflection was that of my better half, and I had to seek her.  

I found her (as I presumed), but there was a bit of problem – she was older than me. She was beautiful and adorable. She was a sportswoman, a left-handed girl. That I got to know when she played badminton. I admire left-handed people. Some are just brilliant. The left handed are over-represented in the genius domain. We have high percentage of famous musicians, mathematicians and creative artists who are left-handed. Chasing an unreachable goal gives us the surge of adrenaline. This gives a feeling of excitement and is highly addictive for some. I looked tenderly at her from a distance. To go for an easy goal and live a life like everyone wasn’t what I had dreamed of – get into a relationship, marry, have children, grow old and die. Or I could go after someone who would never be mine but keep my spirit burning till eternity. The sad affair of chasing an unrealizable goal is the altruistic behavior of destroying oneself to achieve the goal. The golden moment will transcend only on those who survive and create history!

She was beautiful, like the roses in its prime. In a year or two there would be a fall from her prime. I stared at her and got her cold looks. There was a struggle in my mind. The greed for this world and the greed for love. Would she relent? While my mind said, “No, go for the easy game”. But I was obstinate. Against my will, against my comfort zone – I went out stalking her. And then I spoke to her. She rebuffed me within a minute of my hasty conversation. I drifted like a small block of wood in the massive current of life. Life was to flow on. But I had damaged myself. Damaged my reputation. It was too late. I could have spent my time with a girl who loved me. After all love is to be united and build memories together. I knew I was chasing the wrong girl- for all the wrong reasons. But that was what I had done the four years of my life. And that was what my mind refused to accept. In the abyss of my mind, I knew I had wronged myself. I had damaged myself for my own interests.

Ever since there was a turmoil in my brain. Two opposing forces trying to get the better of me. The mind and the heart (heart = conscience, gut feeling), if they work together brings great results. The problem arises when there is an incoordination between the decision of the heart and the mind. If there is an internal conflict it only leads to the devastation of the individual. This internal conflict may arise due to several reasons, and may lead to varying degree of mental illness.

Working against the mind causes a great deal of stress. We don’t know whether our choices are right or wrong. Only time can say. Time is the best investigator and reveals everything in due course. The more we try to understand ourselves, the more lost we may seem. Leaving our existence before conception and after our last breath to the realms of religion and spirituality, our existence in the conscious form seeks the intervention of medical science. As a psychologist or a psychiatrist we are taught to heal the mind. If there had been some lesions that could be physically visualized then we could have devised ways to heal it. But the mind is like ether. It has no form but takes the shape of what we desire.

This choice left me devastated. A life of struggle, but the struggle should keep the mind sharp and clear. As we grow, we tend to reach a point of equilibrium where we think luxury becomes our right and we cease to struggle. Once we get into the comfort zone, it’s the inertial property of our mind to stay in the state of pleasure – devious pleasure.

Four years later, when I had realized myself – that I had lost everything and had nothing more to lose, I went back to the river Ganga. I sat on the banks meditating while the water churned. Mother Ganga was pleased with my stand. I had kept my promise of pursuing one woman, even though I had harmed myself in the process. She gave me an Eternal Love Stone, which I realize was a white sapphire. I once again delved into the depths of my mind. I started from where I had begun. And I came to myself – my old-self. I was back the old dreamer, who loved reading and doing nothing. And the memories that I had built in the four years started coming into my mind like a dream. Then I realized who my true better half was! She was always with me – she was in my batch! I had failed to see her, because of my great desires and curiosity for the unknown!

Zoya was like a breeze. The softness in her features were exhilarating. She resembled a Mongol Mountain Goddess. I had never noticed her because I never had interest in people with mongoloid features. At that point of self-realization I saw the beauty in all human beings. I wished I could return back in time- four years ago, and express my love for her! I wished I could unwind everything and build a new past with a new future. I wished my life had Zoya as my love interest. And tell her that she was mine and I was made for her. So many vain wishes crept out like a bubble. Zoya was selfless. Such girls are few, but they do exist. Lucky are they who possess their heart.

I met Zoya in a zoo and offered her a choice – eternal union or the Eternal Love Stone! Zoya refused the Eternal Love Stone! And that was when I was sure Zoya was the one I ought to be committed to, till eternity. She was above materialistic wants. And that made her humane.

We are born, we live and we die. It is our actions and intentions that matters all along. And when we look into the abyss of our mind, we find the one we always sought was close. I can but regret, that instead of seeking within, I sought someone distant, someone unapproachable. What I had been seeking was well within my reach. I had hasted, been quick with my decisions. And in haste, I had ended with the wrong woman. Life is a tragedy. However happy anyone may be, tragedy always lurks around. I ended my college years on a tragic note. Killing my soulful innocence.

I wish I hadn’t hastened. I wish I had waited for my girl to blossom into the beautiful woman she is today. There in the Ganga, when I saw her reflection again, I realized my mistake. A mistake that cost me dear and changed my entire life. Zoya, you are gone, but the promise I made to you – I will stick to it. When people read my writings, they will know the beautiful you! Pleasure is in a reciprocal love, not a one-sided affair. Who doesn’t want love, appreciation and care?

Four years gone under self-hypnosis. Did my actions count?