The Unknown Orphan

It is a cold Monday morning and I am sitting next to the window devouring dark chocolate with some dark bitter coffee. I usually eat chocolate to blend the bitterness of the coffee as well as life with its pleasing sweetness. It has been a week with mournful twilight and sleepless nights. Though I have learnt to step ahead of precise boundaries set for love, hatred and respect which I was expected to obey. Let me introduce you to how it feels to liberate yourself from customs and run into troubles barefoot.

It was last weekend when I met him. We have met after a very long time and I didn't had the guts to upset him. We went for lunch and then I waved him goodbye. It was so simple that the day passed by and I just have another set of memories with that simplicity being the most expensive luxury. Every normal thing becomes special with him. His touch comforting my reckless thoughts and his soothing words massaging my restless heart. We then headed to the library.You may conclude that I had a wonderful experience studying with him as I had always dreamt. Only thing I hate being around him is his departure. 

Later, that evening a text popped on my phone. I had to meet a long lost lover and I couldn't avoid it. My work was suffering and so was I . I don't like piles of to-do-lists flickering over my desk. I had my fears gripping me because I wasn't meeting a lover but I was indeed meeting a reflection of my past. I had no chill in me to convince myself that meeting a guy friend without his (the previous guy) knowledge would be catastrophic. But, I don't know when this anxiety turned to excitement and the thought of losing him triggered me to do the unexpected. I had replied to a hello with a smooch and suddenly everything fell apart in pieces into me. I had publicly disappointed myself. I didn't have anything but another tonne of guilt. I just wanted hide myself under fathoms of the sea above me. I didn't wanted to hear the noise from inside.

As the coffee cools down its bitterness multiplies. Time doesn't always cools everything into shape.

I have cut down myself from everyone and I am staying alone with the heap of guilt of cheating the 2 of them. 

"You are already late. Why don't you hurry up ?" My mother broke the link of my thoughts. And, when I look at the clock it shows Monday next to the date of this weekend. My mother complains that I have been sleeping from 48 hours this weekend. 

Alas! The ring for breakfast in my orphanage hurts my ears and I am perplexed that I have no one but confusion about what I really did this weekend. I have lost my reality and identity in this chaos.

Who am I ?

I been away from him for quite long now. I am desperate to see his texts, hear his voice, reload my mail multiple times and look at his pictures more often.I cannot do it because I don't have the courage to tell him the truth.He had already warned me that once you leave, you leave forever. So, should I tell him that he will be talking to me for the last time? No. That would affect his work and he will suffer. So, I should better pretend that things are alright. I need to talk to him. Reply him. It isn't humble to make someone wait for so long not because they lose interest but because I can't stay without him anymore. I feel much relieved after texting him. He is adorable even when I did wrong to him. So, I should punish myself by staying alone. No, I probably have a addiction of thinking of him and I am running away from him. But, it will make things worse if I stay.So, I have called him to the same OYO where we met first. I will make him meet the old lover.

I have been meeting this old lover more often now. He has been here from last weekend. I don't feel like staying with him by cheating on my guy but I want someone to be with me. I have been already tensed about keeping secrets from my guy. I haven't made love to anyone including my guy even in my dreams. Because, a sin is already committed if you even think of it. Keeping all fears, insecurities and ill thoughts apart I had to go and tell this old lover that I cannot meet him anymore. That smooch wasn't for him. I haven't been thinking of him all that while. Yes, I had to tell him to get over me.When I went to his hotel room he was sitting alone doing nothing but probably thinking of something beautiful with his eyes closed. It shouldn't have been him because I had held his hand and kissed it. I could see that he was petrified. I had to comfort him. So, I closed the window and talked to him. He was thinking of a woman with whom he spent time when he was sad. With that he was just falling apart. What should I do ? Should I tell him the truth now? I just kissed his cheek before leaving without exchanging any words. He held my hand and kissed me back on my lips. I had gathered myself from the guilt and filth recently. I couldn't stop thinking of my guy all this while. I kissed him back and he turned the lights off. I had to leave. But, the fear of losing my guy after telling him everything, made me mad. We stayed for some hours in his room. Sometimes, we do sins which we think are sinful to think.I saw that woman in the mirror that night. She wouldn't meet the old lover anymore. 

"You shouldn't leave me alone. The loneliness of this house bites me, ma."  I have probably cracked this joke 25 times within this week. Probably I don't know how to express my emotions and wait for them to be considered. Or rather I haven't told this loud enough. I have never expressed what I feel directly. I don't understand how I can make someone stay for me leaving all their plans aside. I have found my little adventure in acting like character which my dear ones think is apt for me. At least, that character gets me some needful attention.

The morning sun rays are the worst not because they make you work another day but because they give you false hopes. Am I really waiting for someone to adopt me or should I live in this little dark room of the orphanage forever ? I want to be cared and loved like other kids. I feel like a horse in a stable. I do have a name and specific qualities but my rider(caretaker) has others too to look after.

Where do I belong ? Who am I?

I have a lot of curiosity about how this day will change our lives.I have to make two poles meet today. Rather it is a combination of sweet and sour where I am the water. Just hoping that my lemonade doesn't tastes bitter. He might be sour after knowing about the sugary old lover. And, this old lover will be sweet as ever.

I reached the OYO before time as I have been restless and had butterflies in my tummy.I saw him waiting outside. No matter how many times I meet him I will always be lost in him. I like it when he takes a quick look and pretends to look around.But, today I need to control these emotions and maintain equanimity to tell him everything.We headed to his room. After a short talk about work and social life, I told him that I have to wash my hands. I followed him as he guided me to the washroom.He humbly opened the door for me and before he could leave I locked him inside.What did I just do ? It was a fiasco but also an opportunity to reveal the truth.Before, he could say anything I told him that I wanted to talk to him seriously. He wanted to make sure if we could sit and talk instead of him being in the bathroom and me standing outside. I told him that I didn't wanted him to go after listening to me.These were my words- 

Dearest, 

I have been cheating on you.And, before you say anything I want to introduce you to the old lover with whom I have been.

I guess my heart has been wrong,

But, he makes me strong.

We have a good chemistry,

but now I love the history.

I have to him been unfaithful,

And to you I am grateful.

Forgive me for all the mistakes 

and all the sweet dates.

I should have done this earlier,

but this moment is no less lovelier,

To run from you and seek the old lover 

I have to be with him and rediscover,

the lonely beast 

And, call him for a royal feast.

Alone he, couldn't be happy,

Because without him I am too scrappy.

I should have confessed,

And,made things clear

Reflection of him lies in the mirror.

You are the face,

Of my story's preface.

And, with this been said I unlocked the door but he didn't come out. My body temperature instantly rose from that blushing happiness to worry with his silence.My hands ran to the washroom door and before I could grasp the situation he had already locked me inside with him.I turned on the shower without thinking of anything.I could feel his arms around my body.And, we kissed like old lovers separated from each other by our hectic schedules.

I have restrained myself from loving myself. If you can love yourself then even an empty barren land is also a home. "Ma, I am getting late.I have to go to the orphanage."

"Why do you go there?"

" In a hope that some kid will adopt me someday."

                                                                                                                                                ----- O' Mary